A New Parent Truth

A Soon-to-be Dad's Perspective on Fatigue






I have to say, since finding out we were expecting Mike has been nothing but wonderful. He asks how I'm feeling, he became the sole dog walker through the winter months because of the ice on the ground and does it without complaining, tells me he appreciates me, yaddah-yaddah. He does all of this without being over the top too which shows that he knows me inside and out. And I couldn't be more appreciative or feel luckier. There are SO many things that rush around your mind when you're pregnant and they range from exciting to stressful, invigorating to exhausting. Mike makes me feel like I'm not alone in this and, by sharing his load of responsibility, he allows me the freedom to spend my time fretting over all these crazy things which actually results in a calmer mama to be. This is how I work, I need lots of time to think through what needs to be done and how things are going to change (which I know is not actually comprehensible at this point but processing hypothetical situations is a very important phase I go through when a big change is about to happen... it probably sounds crazy but hey, it works for me and actually keeps me semi-put together and sane acting... that's the important part right?).

Two specific things come to mind when I think about how sweet Mike has been during this time. One, he was totally on board when I suggested we start putting the nursery together in December. This is apparently really early for most people but I knew I wanted to take my time. We picked our furniture quickly so part of the reason I wanted to get a jump on things early was to spread out the amount of large purchases we needed to make. He was totally game and he was excited. He even stayed home from school one day because he was sick and painted the second coat in the nursery by himself just so it'd be done.This meant the world to me.
Two, he doesn't bat an eye when I buy maternity clothes. Normally I get a look that says, "really... you really needed another shirt, pair of jeans, shoes, etc?" And if I'm being honest, 99% of the time it's justified. Since I started buying maternity clothes he hasn't said a word except, "show me what you got!" And again, he's excited about it and for me. This too means the world to me.

There was this one time, however (isn't there always one time?). It was in the beginning, I'd say around week 9. The pregnancy was confirmed but we hadn't been to the doctor yet so we hadn't seen an ultrasound or had a chance to sit with the OB to ask questions. I was nauseous at night and took to the laying down position quite nicely starting around 6-7 o'clock each night. I also slept during this time off and on. Mike had just come back from a walk, paced around our love seat for a bit, sat down and said, "okay... I have... a question. I don't know if this is appropriate or not, but I'm curious." That's quite a set up isn't it. Luckily my nausea never toppled into I'm going to throw up any second, it was more just a constant state so I sat up and braced myself for what was coming. He continued...

"You're around 9 weeks right? So... I know that your body is probably doing a lot right now so it makes sense that you're so tired. But, soon you'll start getting bigger and won't that make you tired too? And then we'll have a baby and from what I hear you don't get any sleep at all then so... I guess what I'm trying to ask is, if you're this tired now... will it ever really get any better? And how is it you're so tired now when all those other things sound more tiring than the beginning?"

Here's the funny thing... he can't be alone in thinking this and what's a guy supposed to do when the fatigue sets in, he doesn't have any physical evidence of the pregnancy yet (the actual appearance of the bump was very important for Mike who tends to be more visual), and he's thinking about all the things to come? This has to be a normal thought process.

I really could've taken this "question" in a lot of different ways but I tried to remain supportive. The only reaction/emotion I had was frustration and I'll explain why. Ever since we found out we were expecting I had done almost nothing but read everything I could on what to expect during the first few weeks. He hadn't read a thing. I do NOT say this as a fault but as I stated here, this is just kind of what you do as a soon to be mom but for the dad, nothing drastically changes in the very beginning to whats the rush? This bothered me in this instance because I knew why I was feeling so tired because I read about it and the thought of explaining everything I'd read to him instead of having him just read it himself just made me more exhausted. So, without saying anything I whipped out my ipad, pulled up the three websites I'd read for the past 4 weeks and said, "here. Read it all, then ask me questions." Without saying a word, he took the ipad to the basement where he indeed read it all, came back upstairs and said, "Okay, I understand a lot more now. Do you need anything?" Whether the "literature" answered his questions and concerns I'll never really know but he certainly read my cues loud and clear.

It is a funny situation when you think about it. When you read, hear, talk, and listen to and about all things pregnancy it's all about the mama and the baby (which is rightfully so for the most part) but no one seems to focus on the how all these changes effect the daddy's. Cheers to those papa's who take it in stride and know that "normal" is a concept in constant fluctuation during this time much like the mama-to-be's body, mood, and energy level :).